Sunday, March 20, 2011

Anissa's Rules for Club Dancing

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Nisha A under Creative Commons 3.0

And now, another fabulous guest post from the always insightful Anissa Mahmood.

As a relatively frequent bar patron, it has occurred to me that the majority of gentlemen (and I use that term very loosely) in the club scene lack a certain amount of, shall we say, etiquette?

Or maybe they just lack common sense. Or even a hint of decency.

In any case, I have a solution.  And to make things easy, I have spelled out a set of rules.

Finally, some (common sense) tips for approaching and dancing with women you haven't met yet-- also known as "strangers."  These are good guidelines in all dancing situations.  But obviously the rules can bend if you are dancing with your girlfriend or a lady with whom you have already established some sort of relationship.

I have compiled this list through personal experiences and eye-witness accounts.  Adhering to these suggestions will not only benefit you, but all the women you come in contact with on the dance floor. Enjoy!

The Rules

1. Ask!

Ok, so this might sound a bit trivial, but it's actually a major issue. Recently, I've noticed a trend of guys actually asking to dance with me, and I have to say, I LOVE it.

Although I sometimes let them get away with it, I think it's truly disgusting when a guy just maneuvers himself behind me and starts gyrating away. It's the equivalent of a dance-rape. You don't have permission and I can't even see your fucking face.

Guys, you look so mature when you ask.

If she says no, that's ok-- just move on.

But she might say yes-- because you asked instead of sneaking up on her.

2. Have Rhythm, Or Get Off the Floor

You know that rumor that women equate dancing to sex? That is entirely true-- but not in the way you are thinking.

What I mean to say is that women judge you by your sense of rhythm and how well you pay attention to and accommodate them.

Think about it: good sex is all about the way you respond to your partner, not how fast or hard you can grind yourself into them. 

I can't count the number of guys I've danced with who have no rhythm at all.  I mean, you might as well not be listening to the music.

For these poor souls 'dancing' just means swaying your hips back and forth all willy-nilly, or worse, humping their victim like a crazed animal.

Listen.  I came here to dance, and I'd be doing just fine with or without you. So if you can't keep up or move with me, then get the fuck off the dance floor.

And by the way, the whole 'dancing being like sex' thing is just a judgment about your bedroom abilities.  It does not mean that women equate dancing with you to actually wanting to have sex with you. See rule #3.

3. Never Assume She Is Interested In You

I consider this the golden rule. Too often, guys approach the dance floor thinking that if a girl agrees to dance with them, she must be interested in them and wanting to have sex with them.

ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND: IF A GIRL AGREES TO DANCE WITH YOU, IT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN SHE IS INTERESTED IN FUCKING YOU.

In my case, it always always means I am not interested in fucking you. Get your head out of your ass and consider that a girl may actually just want to dance and thought she would oblige your request.

Dancing is an activity in and of itself, and should not be indicative of sexual interest. Enjoy it for what it is.

4. Keep Your Boner to Yourself

Few things in life are more awkward than feeling a stranger's hard-on poking into you. That is gross, to say the least.  And when I talk about, my guy friends say shit like "Well we can't help it. It's your fault, you shouldn't be dancing on us like that."

UM, YEAH, IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT YOU STARTED GRINDING YOUR DICK INTO ME.

Popping a stiffy in the club reflects the excitability of a 12-year-old. You are basically letting everyone know that you get so little action, you can't control yourself in public.

For fuck's sake, she is not a stripper. If you find yourself dancing with a girl and you feel your temperature rising, maybe you should take a break and cool off.

Shit happens.  But no one should have to deal with that.  And if you can't handle it, then don't fucking dance with any girls.

Or jerk it before you get to the club.

5. NEVER GROPE HER CROTCH

6. Keep All Groping to a Minimum


An invitation to dance is not an invitation to feel her up. If you want to test the waters, gently put your hands on her waist or hips.

Gripping her body in a sexed-starved bear-hug is not okay. Rubbing her thighs, ass, or tits is definitely not okay.

Honestly, she might not even tell you if she is uncomfortable. That is just the sad society we live in. But always assume she doesn't want you to grope her, because you are a creepy stranger. 

Never assume you have the right to touch her like that.

Remember rule #2, and realize that faux-screwing her on the dance floor is not attractive.

Now, if she grabs your hand and puts it on herself or responds positively to you touching her, then go with it. Otherwise, tread softly.


7. NEVER GROPE HER CROTCH

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, SO DON'T EVER PUT YOUR PERVERT HANDS BETWEEN MY LEGS.

8. Don't Kiss Her


You smug fuck, you don't even know if she's single. What part of dancing made you think she would want to make out with you?

I dance with my friends, girls and guys, and it's totally platonic. I don't even see how kissing comes into the picture when you are just dancing with someone you don't know.

You are just as much a stranger as you were when you started. A good-bye peck on the cheek is pushing it.

9. Don't Overstay Your Welcome

You probably shouldn't dance with the same person for longer than 2 or 3 songs, unless she seems like she is really interested in you. You're being selfish, assuming she wants you there. Just go away.

And don't antagonize the situation by doing something annoying, like asking for her number. You look super desperate.

If she is honestly into you, she will seek you out herself or try to prevent you from leaving. Give someone else a chance. It's sort of like a 'free love' system. Get your dance time in and move on.

10. Take a Hint

Just face it, the girl may not want to have anything to do with you - before, during, or after dancing with you.

Maybe she has a boyfriend.  Maybe she's not attracted to you.  Maybe you have made her uncomfortable.  Maybe she just doesn't want to dance with anyone.

The point is, girls have a variety of subtle and obvious ways to let you know it's not happening. These include, but are not limited to:

- Pointing to a random place in the crowd and saying "My boyfriend is right over there"

- Moving far enough to be away from you, but still dancing within the vicinity of her friends

- Wedging herself between her friends so that you cannot possibly approach her from behind

- When she stops dancing as soon as you start dancing with her

- Saying she has to go somewhere, like to find her friend, and never coming back

- Pretending she is a lesbian

No matter what you think, these maneuvers are done on purpose. They are not meant to hurt your feelings, but to get out of the uncomfortable situation of rejecting you.

Unfortunately, some guys just don't get the hint. And that is annoying as fuck.

You are not going to win her over by harassing her, so just get over yourself and move on.

Keep all of these rules in mind and your next episode might showcase how mature and respectful you actually are.

Of course you will see plenty of people breaking all of these rules, so feel free to spread the word.  Respect is attractive.  Forceful social engagement is not.

5 comments:

  1. This is so good. I want it printed as a poster in every drinking establishment.

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  2. I absolutely agree with the above statement. I about died reading this. Love it.

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  3. Oh my goodness!! Anissa, you are a genius for finally putting this down in writing. I have felt this way for quite a long time. There are certain bars in BG that I had to stop going to because random dudes would come up and grind on me. I hope some of those creepers are reading this. Thanks!

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  4. thanks to all! i am glad you enjoyed this.

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